ASKING FOR WHAT YOU WANT

GP first turned us on to sex guru Laura Corn’s book 101 Nights of Great Sex, which comes with sealed envelopes containing instructions for seductions to try out on your partner. When you’re deep into it with someone else, swapping sexual acts back and forth, the anticipation and the mystery of what suggestion the other will pull are hot in and of themselves. (If you’re tech-inclined, here’s also an app version of the book.) We reconnected with Corn, who is a big proponent of getting out of your comfort zone, for her take on how to know what you want and ask for it. Plus, we polled goop HQ to see the different ways staffers go about communicating desires to their partners.

 

Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone

LAURA CORN

 

How do we tap into our true wants and desires?

They say love is letting go of fear, but I think that also applies to great sex. If you’re not tapping into your true sexual wants and desires, that means your insecurities or fears are somehow blocking you. (Otherwise, you would be going for it.) The best advice I can give is to tackle these fears one at a time.

First, write down your sexual desires—aim for at least five, perhaps as many as ten. Creating a list will help you come up with your game plan. Take those unfilled desires and rearrange them in an order from the easiest to achieve to the most challenging. For example, maybe you’ve always wanted to be blindfolded, spanked with a beautiful leather whip, or experience a threesome with another woman. Which seems the easiest to do? Start there and work your way down your list. It can be that simple—you’ll become more confident with each step, and I guarantee that your sex life will get hotter and hotter. In the end, your fears will be a thing of the past.

 

What’s the key to getting to know our own bodies better?

There’s only one way to get to know your body better and that’s through experimentation. Experimentation through self-pleasuring and trying new things with your partner (if you have one) are both important—and fun! It’s a lifelong experiment of self- love, and what’s exciting is that where you’ll be in ten years will be completely different from where you are now.

Here’s a quick story about how I learned to love my body: Up until my thirties, there was only one way I could have an orgasm, which was on my stomach. I would rock back and forth, grinding my hips into the bedsheets. I learned this technique at a very young age and never experimented with anything else. It did not serve me well. When I had sex with a partner, I was clueless, embarrassed, and fearful. I thought there was something wrong with me—I would never orgasm with a man inside me—and I couldn’t reveal my secret, because that would be horrifying. This led to one failed relationship after another until I felt completely inadequate. I knew there must be a better way, and I desperately wanted to be in a healthy sexual relationship.

I eventually fell in love and wanted to be more sexually attuned with my body. I started reading books—a lot of sex how‑to books (like My Secret Garden, Women on Top, The Hite Report, Kinsey Reports, and The Joy of Sex)—that opened up a whole new world to me. The more I read, the more comfortable and adventurous I became in bed. In the past twenty years, I’ve gone from being insecure to completely open-minded with my lover. Experimentation gave me the confidence to get to know my body better.

 

How do you tell a partner what you want?

Here are a few tips if you are having a hard time communicating what you want:

  1. Watch an adult movie together. Point out what’s hot and what’s turning you on. If he or she isn’t cluing in, go further, describing exactly what turns you on. But don’t feel like you have to push anything on your partner, because I guarantee they are listening—and they might even surprise you beyond what you’re imagining.
  2. If you’re a little shy, this one’s for you. Simply highlight a passage from a sex advice book or an article that describes a fantasy you’ve always wanted to try. Have your partner read it while you two are in bed (watch them blush).
  3. Want really steamy sex? Walk yourself into an adult novelty store. Choose that one (or maybe two, three, or four . . . ) toys you’ve  wanted to try but have always been a little intimated by. Gift wrap them and give them to your partner over dinner (at a restaurant if you’re feeling really bold) and watch their mind melt. You’ll have fun that night. I promise.

 

What about during sex—how do you communicate without ruining the mood?

The more you exchange ideas, the more you stimulate sexuality. Each exchange only provokes and increases curiosity—and curiosity is the seed of passion.

On a more practical note, I think the tone of your voice is the key to connecting your desires to your partner’s actions (just as it’s important out of bed, too). Keep your voice gentle and loving.

Don’t get too bogged down with giving tons of directions, though. A few sentences should be all it takes. Also, if your partner or you are not super verbal, a little physical helping hand doesn’t hurt either.


FROM THE GOOPASUTRA

ASKING FOR WHAT WE WANT IN BED

 

We polled the goop team, and their responses reflect the varying levels of confidence people have when it comes to speaking up for their desires:

  • “Confidently and sensually. Unapologetically. Sometimes with show-and-tell; whatever gets the job done. In my experience, guys are enthusiastically responsive to direction, especially when it produces physical, audible results. Let’s face it: Sexual prowess is at the core of the male ego. They’re psyched to please. So if he wants to do it right, why not show him how?”
  • “By literally asking.”
  • “I struggle with this. I’ll wait until I can’t take it anymore, and then I feel awkward bringing it up. I enjoy sex, but I feel nervous asking for what I want in the moment (or after), because I don’t want the other person to feel that they’re doing something wrong. Sometimes I have moments where I go for it and ask—if I’m comfortable with the person—and the verbal stimulation really turns me on.”
  • “If I’m in a relationship where I’m comfortable, I try to be vocal about it. If it’s a new situation, I suck it up, or gently make suggestions in bed.”
  • “It took me some time to learn to do this. It became much easier once I was with someone I really cared about and trusted.”
  • “I straight‑up tell them.”
  • “Very honestly. And particularly during sex.”
  • “Awkwardly make a joke out of it.”
  • “I think the best time is right after sex, when you’re still lying in bed. You can kind of recap, saying, ‘I liked that, do more of that’; or ‘That wasn’t working for me.’ The information is fresh in your mind, but since the actual moment has passed, it takes some of the pressure off.”
  • “Moan more when something feels good. Go radio silent when something doesn’t feel great.”
  • “I like to get started and see how things go. If I’m not being fully satisfied, I move his hand (or whatever we’re using) to a better spot. If that doesn’t work, I say what I want him to do.”
  • “I plant seeds that can blossom later. I’ll ask for an expansion of the usual repertoire in a playful, encouraging way, but not in the heat of the moment.”
  • “Have an honest conversation about likes/dislikes, then experiment with other things from there. My boyfriend is more of the leader, so I follow along and then discuss afterward whether it was my cup of tea.”

What benefit, if any, is there in going out of our comfort zone?

There’s zero benefit in staying within your comfort zone. What are you learning? How are you keeping the spark alive? I certainly can’t imagine a lifetime of comfortable sex without more variety, more foreplay, more surprises, more seduction.

Out of the thousands of couples I have spoken to, their biggest complaint is routine sex (i.e., missionary). Easy, but not that exciting.

We all are hardwired to want something new, something fresh. Pure and simple novelty is the key to great sex.

Couples in long-term, fulfilling relationships consistently go outside their comfort zones. Whether it’s doing something naughty in public, role-playing, or introducing your partner to a new toy—venturing outside the comfort zone is what elevates sex from the mundane to the magnificent.

But is it all about sex? No. Get out, do something new, have adventures.

Ride a roller coaster, jump out of a plane together—just make some new memories.