Read an Excerpt from WHEN GOOD MOMS FEEL BAD
Introduction
You’re Normal—Angry Parts and All
Motherhood is dangerous to mental health. Mothers reporting poor or fair mental health surged 64 percent between 2016 and 2023, mark- ing a significant decline in maternal well-being nationwide.1 For new moms, the statistics are even more concerning: One in five receives a maternal mental health diagnosis,2 and suicide is a primary cause of death during the first year postpartum.3 Given the stigma surrounding maternal mental health and systemic barriers to treatment, these sta- tistics likely underrepresent the magnitude of the actual crisis. It’s clear that moms desperately need better access to mental health support.
Though we are collectively reliant on mothers for the health and well-being of our entire species, moms are neglected and largely for- gotten in their vulnerable years. Our society places enormous bur- dens of responsibility on mothers, implores them to be anxious about each and every risk involved with pregnancy and parenthood, and then leaves them to figure it out, alone. America is generally unsup- portive, disempowering, unrewarding, and shaming to mothers as they make their way through the most tender times of their (and their children’s) lives.
The messaging moms receive is this: If you’re unhappy with mother- hood, it’s not because you’re getting shortchanged by society—it’s because you’re a bad mom. Something’s wrong with you. Good moms love motherhood! Period. When a woman becomes a mother, the peo- ple around her collectively focus on the belly, the baby, and all the accompanying consumerism, and of course, a little later, there’s the push to get Mom back to her pre-baby body and sex life and work performance. But no one asks about you, the mom. No one considers the fact that this is an INCREDIBLY HARD TIME for you—and it is! No one inquires lovingly about your despair or your anxiety. They smile and coo at your baby and ask if baby is sleeping through the night yet. And you—being the good mom that you are—feel like a failure because no, your baby hasn’t EVER slept more than a three- hour stretch, so clearly, you’re doing something wrong. You must be a bad mom because you don’t feel cheerful, you dread nights and morn- ings and afternoons alike, your baby cries all the time, and you’re too afraid to admit it, but you’re starting to think this was all a huge mis- take. You’re the one ginormous dark spot obscuring the rainbow that was supposed to be motherhood.
We’ve all bought into the false belief that only bad moms have enraged parts, unfulfilled parts, parts that want to go back in time to when there were no children. Only bad moms have parts that some- times feel like calling the whole effing thing off. We harbor what we think is a dark little secret: that we’re having a very hard time, not loving the journey, behaving badly, making the wrong decisions, and feeling unfulfilled. Outwardly, we focus almost exclusively on doing a good job of trying to stave off the negative self-talk that’s looping 24/7 inside of us. We try hard to be good moms by exiling all the thoughts and feelings we have deemed to be bad. We try so hard, in fact, we burn ourselves out and become resentful, fried little versions of who we once were.
When being you conflicts with being a good mom, war breaks out inside. Part of you becomes explosive with rage, while another part of you becomes masterful at hiding it. Part of you is full of self-hatred, and another part works hard to be more disciplined. Part of you bites back words and wishes and longing, while another part surreptitiously tries to find some soothing to fill the void wherever you can, bingeing on ice cream, alcohol, screen time, self-harm, or some other state-inducing intoxicant that’s accessible and is yours and yours alone.
A Paradigm Shift
We affectionately call parts specific to motherhood “Mom Parts.” Your Mom Parts show up to manage and cope with the transforma- tion, responsibilities, and losses you experience on your motherhood journey. Parts can create symptoms that begin to pile up and cluster together over the months and years. Those clusters form into familiar constellations that we commonly call Rage, Depression, and Anxiety. It’s very easy for moms to qualify for mental health diagnoses (insert sad face here). Diagnoses fail to include the impact of crappy social support and are pathologizing in their identification of moms as the source of unwellness. And yet, diagnoses are sometimes helpful and necessary. In our patriarchal system with its emphasis on hyper- productivity and individualism and its accompanying dearth of social services, a diagnosis can help a mom obtain care and support to which she may not otherwise have access.
And . . . we don’t know of any moms who don’t wade through the deep waters of shame, fear, and loss. Many of us get caught in the cur- rent and swept away by the magnitude of our inner torment. Some of us are pulled under, into the dark and empty silence of our emotional turbulence. Is this mental illness? Or is this motherhood? Either way, moms have parts that are in serious pain, and those parts need atten- tion and care.
If you’re anything like the rest of us, you were probably never taught to be curious about your inner world. Did anyone show you or tell you how to direct compassion toward your own suffering? Most of us were taught to try to get rid of “bad” feelings. As a girl and as a woman and mother, you were probably taught that it’s selfish to focus on yourself. You were born to nurture and accommodate everyone else, right? Good moms sacrifice a lot, and they (try to) like it. They smile through it, and they stay patient and generous. Only . . .
Even good moms have a breaking point. Even good moms have needs and limitations. Even good moms have nervous systems that respond and react. And those nervous systems deserve the best care. We’re giving you a model for better understanding yourself, so that you become empowered to help yourself feel better in direct and immediate ways. While there is a shit ton that is outside of your control in momlife, there are some key areas where you do have the power to make a dramatic impact on your own well-being. The key to feeling better starts with befriending your parts.
Read the book:
Moms have it hard; whether due to ingrained beliefs, the pressures of everything from social expectations to social media, or our own childhood wounds, even the best moms can feel like they are failing. With empathy, compassion, and deep wisdom, maternal health experts Jessica Tomich Sorci and Rebecca Geshuri address difficult and often suppressed feelings such as anxiety, anger, shame and guilt, as well as disappointment, ambivalence about being a mom, and yearning for your “old” life.
Tomich Sorci and Geshuri help any mom anywhere to identify these pain points, make sense of her distress, and begin to find relief. Their revelatory approach validates the unique suffering moms experience and offers reinterpretations that bring hope and empowerment. Filled with exercises, strategies, and step-by-step guidance, When Good Moms Feel Bad shows you empowering ways to access your abundant inner resources begin building self-trust. You’re already a good mom. Start discovering how your harshest internal voices are trying to help you—and befriend the parts of yourself that you’ve been fighting.